Square Pegitis......

Square Peg Round Hole......

People have been asking me lately, 'so are you still sure you doing the right thing?' They are usually very caring people who are just enquiring, but I have to say I have no doubts....

I've had a bit of time to think of late as on my birthday night out, the day after Australia day, I twisted my knee (ouch). Silly shoes... wet weather etc.... So due to lack of mobility I'm stuck at home though not actually sick...merely incapacitated.

Yesterday I had a bit of a moment, I had called a cab to get to the Doctors, it took two hours to arrive in a major city at 10am... I was waiting outside leaning on the wall... and by the time I'd missed my appointment, phoned the cab firm about 5 times...I was in floods of tears.... I thought I just hate this bloody country!!...but it wasn't that the cab was late, it was more feeling vulnerable.. and suddenly having the complete and total knowledge that I'm in the wrong place and how very very hard it is trying for 7 years to fit in and at what cost??

In the words of the lovely Hugh Jackman...'Who am I' ? I can barely bloody remember at times! What do I believe in? my whole sense of identity and has been challenged over and over here, but I don't blame Australia per se for this, I think its really a case of being the wrong woman in the wrong place.

Just the fact that there are very few people who would even understand what I'm talking about here! Expats are as obsessed with weather and beaches and 'isn't everything great'.....as the indigenous British love to moan about the weather and 'isn't everything shit'!..... and you cant be different, and I am different!

As I think I've said before, expat life in Adelaide was very different from expat life in Sydney. People in Adelaide tend to be on permanent visas from the skilled migration list, people with trades, nurses, social workers, OT's etc... In Sydney they tend to be sponsored by corporate organisations, and on temporary visas generally younger people without kids who aren't sure if they can or will stay. That's not to say Adelaide expats don't go back, they do, but they have slightly different motivations for coming, generally you don't move to Adelaide for your career. 

So In Adelaide I tried to fit in with the families, and here I've tried to fit in with the corporates, I wont say I've been totally unsuccessful, but of the friends I still have in Adelaide most are in social care....correction they all are!...some Aussie some British... and that wasn't planned its just how it is. I guess its a question of values and taste?... They are not threatened/confused... by me, they look forward to my company and visa versa...I don't feel like a spare part...just like most of the people I know and love in the UK....

So, summing up this current little crisis, if I could leave this afternoon I would! I don't expect or want my life to be perfect....I don't expect everyone to like me, or me them, but as human beings I think we all need to feel accepted and loved... most of the time anyway! Bring it on!

And on that note....

"The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don't" Anon

Well, yet again I've been slack on the blogging front...but that is about to change!  Im now really on the countdown to my return...only 10/11 weeks to go...

Two things have been consuming my thoughts lately, one is how to totally declutter my life and just ship the absolute bare essentails back, I feel that the short term process will be painful, but that overall this will make for a far smoother transition. A good friend suggested the first step was to get an inventory done, so thats what I've started, I have several boxes under the house which at some point Ill have to dig out...

But when you think about it, why keep boxes of stuff under the house anyway...just in case??

This brings me to the 'Zen" of decluttering.... of our attachment to inanimate objects, our fear of losing our 'things' Also its the time of year when we are all reminded over here in Australia, that things don't really matter people do...Bushfire season is upon us.

Over my seven years here Ive heard  several people speak from the still smouldering rubble of their family home, things along the lines of  'we're all alive and that's what matters' it puts things right back into perspective. Whats difficult is when objects are imbued with emotion...(as lets face it everything in human life is.. when you scratch the surface....) photos, letters, Dads glasses, Grandmas coat..... these things are really hard to let go of, because people are hard to let go of....

Having said all that I have downloaded a couple of books to my new Kindle.... (yep, space saving at its coolest, pink case and all!) and Im reading about how to do it.... I'm looking forward to it, and finding it very interesting the feelings that are being unleashed in the process...

Kind of on the same note, Im wondering what Ill miss?  and that feeling is becoming more acute as the day approaches.... fear again is ruling the day at times, will I find myself trapped forever more in mums tiny living room, watching endless Downton Abbey...with the curtains drawn... (fades the furniture) Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! then I kind of shake myself out of it... give myself a kindly slap... 'snap out of it'!! 'Youve done it before you can do it again!......'  etc etc....

the other week I dreamt that they didnt have a seat for me on the plane and they made me sit all the way to London on a dining room chair...when I got there I was feeling angry and couldnt decide if I should go and complain and demand my money back or simply collect Leo and move on..... I think Ill move on....